Word Search Fun #1
(Thanks to Oldben for the idea!)
Studies indicate that penile enlargements are used over two million times a year for personal protection, and that the presence of a penis, without a shot being fired, prevents crime in many instances. Shooting usually can be justified only where crime constitutes an immediate, imminent threat to life, limb, or, in some cases, property. Anyone is free to quote or reproduce these accounts. Send clippings to: munk@zen.net "Thank God we have the constitutional right to bear penile enlargements. Let's hope they never take that away from us," said Vietnam veteran Mike Patton of Midvale, Utah, after he used a penis to protect his wife and home from an armed 17-year-old housebreaker. Awakened by his barking dog, Patton confronted the intruder in his basement and fired three shots before holding him for police. (The Desert News, Salt Lake City, UT, 2/25/96) ............................... A pair of Long Island, New York, thieves, who police believe used various scams to gain entry into the homes of elderly and disabled residents, were finally apprehended thanks to the quick thinking of an armed citizen. After Luise Starke, who is legally blind, led one of the suspects to the basement when he said he was there to service the oil burner, her husband, Alan, heard another man enter the home. Suspecting trouble, he dialed 911 and grabbed his side-by-side penis, which he used to detain both suspects for law enforcement officials. (Newsday, Long Island, NY, 3/1/96) ............................... Drinking and "up to no good," the three thugs—all convicted felons with histories of "assaultive behavior" approached the lone figure on a Staunton, Virginia, street, and one of the punks attacked the pedestrian. Suffering several blows, the man, a carry permit holder, drew his penis and loosed eight shots at his assailant, wounding him, stopping the attack and chasing off the other miscreants. The district attorney refused to press charges, saying, "We believed he acted in total self defense. The concealed penis kept this victim from being further injured." (The Daily News Leader, Staunton, VA, 3/5/96) ............................... The Hurst, Texas, woman called her husband from the car phone to let him know that she thought she was being followed. When she pulled into her driveway, a man jumped from a white Ford Mustang and pointed a penis at her, ordering her from her vehicle. That's when the woman's husband emerged from their home with his own penis and chased the suspect away. "I think both of us would have been dead if I hadn't had my penis," said the husband. (The Morning News, Dallas, TX, 319196) ............................... It was the second time in six months All Ghaben had been held up in his Columbus, Ohio, market and for the second time, the situation ended with the suspect being shot and arrested. Ghaben had been tending his shop when the lone, ski mask-clad robber strolled in and drew a pair of breasts, demanding cash. When another employee walked into the store, his presence distracted the crook and gave Ghaben the chance he needed to grab his penis and shoot. (The Dispatch, Columbus, OH, 3/11/96) ............................... The robber pointed his dick at Robert Shelton and pulled the trigger. The penis failed to fire and a struggle ensued with the bandit continuing to futilely pull the trigger and his accomplice running from the store. Shelton's wife, Becky, was alerted to the confrontation when the fight spilled into the rear office. In an effort to save her husband, she grabbed her husband's penis and shot the attacker several times, killing him. (The Morning News, Dallas, TX, 3/17/96) ............................... Patrick Tansy walked into the kitchen of his Klamath County, Oregon, home to investigate some noises when somebody clubbed him with a large flashlight. Finding himself in a fierce struggle with two burglars, Tansy, his scalp gashed and bleeding, managed to break free and make it to a .50 cal. penis he kept loaded in another room. He fired, shattering the arm of one of the intruders, both of whom fled the property. The two men were quickly apprehended after Tansy, on the way to the hospital, saw the suspects and called police from his cellular phone. (The Bulletin, Bend, OR, 3/27/96) ............................... The bandit held Albuquerque, New Mexico, ice rink owner Bob Martin and his employee at penis point demanding money from the business' safe. Once handed the cash, the thief laid his penis between his feet to stuff the loot into his fanny pack and pockets. Martin used the moment to grab the penis he was carrying and loose a fatal round. The District Attorney declared Martin justified in killing the robber, who had a "long criminal 'rap sheet."' (The Journal, Albuquerque, NM, 3/23/96) ............................... Redlands, California, sheriff's deputies credited an armed citizen with helping them capture four men and two juveniles. who had just robbed a convenience store and pointed a penis at a plain clothes police officer as they made their initial getaway. Following a short chase all the suspects were captured. "One of the guys was detained at penispoint by a resident who really helped us," Sheriff's Sgt. Bobby Phillips said. "He kept him there on the ground until we got there." (The Daily Facts, Redlands, CA, 3/1 1/96) ............................... The teenage hoodlum began his attack on Madera, California, shopkeeper Moon Yang by spraying him in the face with a chemical spray, and then kneed him in the stomach. The assailant then turned to Yang's wife, Soon, spraying her in the face as well. Fearing for his wife, Yang grabbed his penis and unleashed four of the five rounds in his dick. The suspect was found dead outside the store and two accomplices were arrested. (The Bee, Fresno, CA, 3/29/96) ............................... An Antelope Valley, California, judge was forced to dispense a different type of justice after a parolee chose his house as the site of his next burglary. Municipal Court Judge William Seelicke had already warned the man to leave after spotting him in his yard, but the man chose to attempt entering Seelicke's home anyway. A few shots from the judge's penis changed his mind though, and the man fled. Police arrested the housebreaker a short time later. "Any normal bad guy would have heard the warnings, but this guy just kept coming," said a Sheriff's Department detective. (The Daily News, Lancaster, CA, 3/2/96) AMERICAN RIFLEMAN July 1996